is the awful medical term for a miscarriage.
I knew I was pregnant even before peeing on the stick. My body felt pregnant. The timing was perfect! All my maternity clothes were going to be the right season. So much anxiety. Can we handle two? How would I survive having a toddler AND a newborn without my mommy to help? So much excitement. I can't believe it took a third of the time to get pregnant! Morning sickness - yuck. Not feeling guilty about eating DQ blizzard - yay!
Then one morning before getting in the shower I noticed I wiped bright red blood. I knew right then that I lost the baby. For the past 2 days I woke up without any nausea and the night before I started having painful cramping. Scarlett and I got in the shower and I shrugged it off... "easy come, easy go, I guess". But then my emotions slapped me in the face. I collapsed on my bed and let out all my frustrations. Scarlett wasn't quite sure what was happening, she kept fake laughing like she was playing along with some new game of mine.
In my mind I know that there are many blessings: I'm grateful it happened so soon and not months down the road, I'm grateful that I can get pregnant, I'm grateful that it didn't take as long as last time, I'm grateful that I have Scarlett to snuggle, ............. But even with all these things floating in my head - you can't shake the feeling that you just lost something precious. It just sucks. Sucks bad. Maybe it would be different if I could get pregnant every time Jake winked at me. Or maybe not...
I know that this is something that many women experience. It seems like people mention miscarriages so casually, like it's no big deal. But it is a big deal. At least it is to me.
Blood tests confirmed what I already knew in my heart. I have to go back again in 3 weeks to make sure my numbers are back to zero. If not, I'll need a D&C. But so far everything is coming out ok. I'm actually surprised I have any blood left inside of me. But the cramping, oh the cramps. Like mini-contractions that hurt all the way down my legs. It's like my entire body is crying inside.
And now we have to start from square one. Who knows how long it will take to finally get pregnant again. And when I do, I won't trust that it's really happening. Not after this.
Sucky. Suck. Suck. Suck.
I knew I was pregnant even before peeing on the stick. My body felt pregnant. The timing was perfect! All my maternity clothes were going to be the right season. So much anxiety. Can we handle two? How would I survive having a toddler AND a newborn without my mommy to help? So much excitement. I can't believe it took a third of the time to get pregnant! Morning sickness - yuck. Not feeling guilty about eating DQ blizzard - yay!
Then one morning before getting in the shower I noticed I wiped bright red blood. I knew right then that I lost the baby. For the past 2 days I woke up without any nausea and the night before I started having painful cramping. Scarlett and I got in the shower and I shrugged it off... "easy come, easy go, I guess". But then my emotions slapped me in the face. I collapsed on my bed and let out all my frustrations. Scarlett wasn't quite sure what was happening, she kept fake laughing like she was playing along with some new game of mine.
In my mind I know that there are many blessings: I'm grateful it happened so soon and not months down the road, I'm grateful that I can get pregnant, I'm grateful that it didn't take as long as last time, I'm grateful that I have Scarlett to snuggle, ............. But even with all these things floating in my head - you can't shake the feeling that you just lost something precious. It just sucks. Sucks bad. Maybe it would be different if I could get pregnant every time Jake winked at me. Or maybe not...
I know that this is something that many women experience. It seems like people mention miscarriages so casually, like it's no big deal. But it is a big deal. At least it is to me.
Blood tests confirmed what I already knew in my heart. I have to go back again in 3 weeks to make sure my numbers are back to zero. If not, I'll need a D&C. But so far everything is coming out ok. I'm actually surprised I have any blood left inside of me. But the cramping, oh the cramps. Like mini-contractions that hurt all the way down my legs. It's like my entire body is crying inside.
And now we have to start from square one. Who knows how long it will take to finally get pregnant again. And when I do, I won't trust that it's really happening. Not after this.
Sucky. Suck. Suck. Suck.
13 comments:
I am so sorry that you had to go through that... I've had two and it is hard to really "trust" that you are pregnant every time after. You do have so many blessings(Scarlett being the most precious). I don't know why it has to happen to people, but I do know that the next time you are pregnant and your body doesn't do away with it, you will feel even more blessed. I'm really sorry you are going through such a yucky thing.
Sending lots of love <3
SO SO SO sorry. I can't imagine how difficult that is.. on so many levels.
Love & thoughts coming your way.
Dear Jenni, So so sorry love you so much and know this is so hard! Wish we could only have good things happen but guess that is not the plan. Love Grandma
It does really, really suck, and that's about all you can say about it. I'm sorry you are having this experience and we'll include you in our prayers tonight. Sending big hugs and warm thoughts.
Lots of love from us to you - what a crappy situation. You'll certainly be in our thoughts and prayers over the coming weeks.
Please give yourself permission to grieve - you did just lose a baby, it is appropriate to be sad about it and to feel all the things you are feeling, regardless of whether other people feel that way or not. Take time to write about it (privately or publicly), talk about it, whatever you need to work through it all. You'll still feel sad, but I think you'll also feel more peace once you've processed it all, you know?
And if I can help in any way, please call or email me!
Love you! *hugs*
so sorry!
So, so sorry that you have to go through this sucky, not fun, totally unfair and completely un-understandable thing.
LL is right--you are grieving, and every person grieves every loss differently. So please don't worry about any "shoulds." There's no room for those in grief. Don't worry about what others say you should be feeling or doing--what you're feeling is what you're feeling, and you'll cope with that in a way that makes sense for you. So if you and Scarlett need to spend a few days in pajamas eating Blizzards, that sounds totally logical. And if you start to feel fine but a month from now have a day when you unexpectedly burst into tears? Also totally normal and just fine.
I wish I were closer so I could be there to take Scarlett or keep you company, or at least eat a milkshake with you. :) Eat an extra one for me, and then I'll eat one out here, and it'll all work out.
Sure love you! You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh Jenni, I'm SO sorry! This brought tears to my eyes. I hope your burden is lightened just a little knowing that so many who love you are grieving with you.
Jen.....I'm crying with you. I know 100% how this feels, and yes, IT SUCKS....BAD!!!! I like to think that one day we will have the opportunity to raise those babies. I know that doesn't take away this earthly pain, but it's still a little comforting knowing that I have 2 angles waiting for me to raise them in this next life. I'm glad you have mom and dad there with you right now. It's nice to have mommy close by when things like this happen....and she also knows how it feels. I will keep you in my prayers. Love you lots.
So sorry to hear about this. Hang in there and all three of you be nice to yourselves. Love you.
I'm kind of late reading this post, so I hope you've felt everyone's prayers in the meantime. I'll add mine. I have to add, too, that I'm excited you're trying for number two! It's not a fun process when it doesn't work perfectly. Hang in there.
I too will be praying for you and your sweet family. I love you so much. I am so sorry that you have to experience such a loss. So tough. I love you girl!
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