2 months ago Jake and I got to attend the wedding of our friend, and coworker, Claudia. It was seriously the most extravagant event Jake and I have ever been to! There were 2 huge ice sculptures, billowing clouds of dry ice "smoke" during the couple's first dance, the waiters did a choreographed routine with their huge trays, the DJ was a CT celebrity, (and in true Italian family style) the food was AMAZING - five courses!!!
Well earlier this year, Claudia tragically found out that her father passed away. (she got the phone call while we were covering an engine test, her scream still rings in my head) Her dad was living in Italy, trying to sell their property so he could come to CT to live with his wife and Claudia.
So during her wedding, Claudia's mom walked her down the aisle. Well, her mom had to have a splenectomy last month, and while they were there they found she has lymphoma. They did one Chemo treatment, but sadly she passed away last Friday.
The reason I'm telling you all this, is Claudia needs your prayers. She is an only child and has lost both parents unexpectedly in the same year. I'm so glad she has Mike (her husband) but this is a difficult time for their family.
I am going to write her a letter to hopefully give her some words of comfort. I was wondering if any of you had some ideas... What has given you strength when enduring difficult trials?
4 comments:
I'm definitely not one to know exactly what to say in those difficult times, but I learned what NOT to say from Stephen (who has become a casual friend of mine online) who lost three of his young daughters at different times. I highly recommend reading his thoughts on "Living Beyond Loss" at his web site: http://adrr.com/living/
Maybe just knowing that you (and your blog readers) are praying for her will give Claudia some measure of comfort. I assume she is not LDS. Dealing with death must be such a different experience for those who don't share our understanding of the spirit world and eternal families.
A useful book is Jesus Wept by Joyce and Dennis Ashton. It was helpful to my parents back when...
Sometimes a helpful thing is to have someone to just listen to you, let you unload it all without judging. No advice, just a listening ear and a 'yup that really does suck'.
So here are some random (really random) thoughts on the situation.
I think right now, just letting her know that there aren't the right words to express how sorry you are and that you are thinking of her will be a big help. With time her sorrow will soften and the good memories will be sweeter.
Don't say things like, "Heaven must have really needed them," or, "It's probably for the best- they're in a better place," or, "Are you over it yet?" (That one is so, so lame!)
It is OK to say , at some point, that you believe there is life after death and that you know her parents still love her and care about her, or that you believe the love they shared as a family is something that lives on even though they are gone.
One thing I noticed is that some people seemed surprised or uncomfortable when I mentioned Sarah's name or talked about her. I think they just didn't know what to say or were afraid they might make me sad, but really, you can't spend your life avoiding the departed person's name just because other people don't know how to react. And you can't pretend they were never here, either. So also be open to listening to her talk about her feelings and memories.
Maybe in a couple of months, you can send her another note that mentions a nice memory of her mother from when you were at her wedding, and let her know you were thinking of her and remembering that special day.
Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries will be really hard, especially for the next year or two. And when they start their family, she will really miss her parents. If you know her well enough to know when those days are, you can let her know you are thinking of her.
Mostly, acknowledge that it is sad, because it is- really, really sad, and that you are sorry, and that you care about her. Then follow through on the caring by asking how she is from time to time and also by acting on little impressions about her when you get them.
In short, continue to be her friend while she grieves.
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